I'd like to be a better Listener.

Listening is so damn important. I spent the formative years of my life a quiet type, not particularly social, but the friends I had were quite dear to me. Back then, I wasn't a talker. Most of my relationships were formed around being the open ear, the shoulder to lean on.

At some point, I began to feel exploited. Perhaps this is too negative a term, what I mean to say is: in the rare occasion that I wanted to express myself in return, their attention was elsewhere. The misappropriation of anger occurs here when I decided to blame those who confided in me as opposed to myself, for not recognizing the open ear is a commodity of sorts, an invaluable one. That it was not "exploitation", and I derived, and developed just as much or more than those confidants throughout those relationships.

So in my years of rebellion and adolescence, I became bitter. I stopped listening to most everyone, with some rare exceptions. I became a user of people, inadvertently. For this I hold no regret, as it helped me gain self-confidence, repose myself as someone who was not only socially capable, but attractive in the superficial sense, something that everyone wants in some way or another (feel free to argue me here, in fact--I encourage it, as it would help me learn).

So it was that I began down a path of artificiality, of half-relationships, drug abuse and stunted growth. Albeit, these were not new habits by any means. I've always had tendencies towards agoraphobia and distance. When coupled with addiction to media stimuli and it's proprietor: faineance--addictions undoubtedly shared with many of my sort in growing up, by the time I'd grown up and out of home, I found myself lost and in a state of total disarray.

I owe a very specific friend of mine for reminding me I'd become less of a listener, you know you you are and I love you. It was not just him, however, it was all my wonderful friends--thank you.

Although I've already run the risk of making this sound, ironically, like a loud and sappy diary, I'd like to get to the point. I'd love to, and am making progress towards, becoming a good listener again. Hopefully having gained at least a moderate amount of wisdom along the way. Life will keep kicking my ass one day and blessing me the next, I just damn well be able to hear the cries, blatherings, demands and beautiful chatter of those around me while it does.

So note to self: listen. never, ever forget to listen.